Embrace

It is April 6, 2010. I have been going through a lot of hard times lately. This past year has proven to be the most hard year of my life both emotionally and physically. Heartbreak has played its toll on my life, and I am determined to restore my heart as well as my life back together. I have created this blog to share my struggles and my triumphs. This blog is to help discover who I am, to find what I want and what I don't want. I have lost myself so much this past year, I don't even know who I am anymore. Everything of who I am was crushed underneath heartache, and I will no longer go day to day as its prisoner.

My current goal and quote to live by is the hardest thing I am trying to learn right now: "And you know the one thing you are trying so hard to hold on to is the one thing you have to let go."

This past year I have spent so much of my time trying so hard to help people and find out what they want that I have forgotten to focus on myself and figure out what it is that I want. I think it is finally time that I take a step back, and for once in my life do something for myself. For those of you who know me, you know that I always put everyone else before my own wants and needs, and I fight for things that I care about. I do not give up easily.

I have been putting up a long and hard fight for a long time now for someone I thought was worth fighting for. I have been trying to hold on to this person for such a long time now that all my efforts were put into how I can hold on rather than how can I let go and fight for myself. It is time I start fighting for myself. The love of my life, the one person I was fighting for the most, time and time again has shown to me that he does not want me right now. Instead of sitting in my room and crying myself to sleep as I usually do, I prayed and I prayed hard. I asked God to show me a sign, tell me what to do. I prayed for Him to show me to either let go or hold on. I prayed the Lord would give me the strength to do either. Letting go of this person I have loved so much is the hardest thing I have ever done. The thought of it was unbearable and I didn't know how I was going to be able to do it.

I wrote many letters all of which I had written to that person in hopes that they would help me not have to lose him. But as I kept writing them I realized that I have to stop trying to make things happen for myself. Worrying about it is not going to get me anywhere, and it just keeps bringing me down. So, what did I do, I looked at all the letters I had written and realized that I had never really intended to give them to him at all. I put them all under my bed, closed my eyes, cried one last time and told God, do with this as You will.

I realized that is isn't about letting go or holding on at all. It is about giving my life to God and moving forward with my life, and putting my hopes not in a person, but in God, and knowing that it isn't letting go or holding on that I am meant to do, it is moving forward knowing that if us being together is what is meant to happen, God will make it happen, but if not, God will show me the hope of what is to come and to fight for what is to come in my life, and to live my life. I shouldn't waste my time worrying about something that I truly have come to find I have no control over. I have spent so much time locked in my room and shutting myself out from my life, that I have wasted so much time of discovering myself and just having fun. After praying for God to reveal to me what it was I need to do, I found the answer I was looking for.

My older brother, who I rarely have heart to heart talks with revealed to me what he had seen in me that I couldn't see in myself. He told me I need to stop focusing on what everyone else wants and for once in my life do something for myself. He told me to make a list of everything that Kensie wanted, and do it. He said he had seen me slowly completely lose myself. He said he could see that I was falling to pieces and it was breaking the hearts of my family and the people around me. He told me I needed to find who I was, and let go of anything that was holding me back. Whatever is meant to happen, God will make it happen, but in the mean time do things that make you happy.

So that is exactly what I am going to do. I'm going to find out what I want. I'm going to find out what makes me happy. And most importantly I'm going to find out who I am and embrace it with all the fight I have left in me...