What Kensie Wants.

My brother once told me that I need to start doing what is good for me. He told me I needed to do something for myself. He told me that I needed to make a list of everything that Kensie wants, and to stop making lists of what everyone else wants. So many people have been trying to tell me what I want, and I've grown tired of it. It's time I finally learn to do what's good for me. Time to figure out what it is that Kensie wants. Time to figure out who I am and embrace it with everything I've got. It's time for me to fight for myself for once in my life... So here I go.. this is what I want.

1. I want to not be scared to let go.2. I want to hold on to what really matters.3. I want my head and my heart to stop pulling me in opposite directions.4. I want my dreams to stop taunting me.5. I want someone to fight for me for a change.6. I want to know that I am doing the right thing for once in my life.7. I want my head to stop telling me what to think.8. I want to not have to turn off the radio everytime certain songs come on.9. I want this huge heart of mine to be appreciated for once.10. I want to fight for myself for once.11. I want to be strong and not have it taken away from me so easily.12. I want to not be scared of what is to come for me.13. I want to completely put all my faith and trust in God.14. I want to stop putting my hope in others and put hope in my God.15. I don't want to have to cry myself to sleep anymore.16. I don't want to keep living in the past.17. I want to be truly happy with absolutely nothing.18. I want to still believe that somewhere out there is a fairy tale just for me.19. I want someone to take me by surprise.20. I want to start making art for myself and not just for everyone else.21. I want people to appreciate everything I have done for them, and all that I have been through just to make them happy.22. I want to fight for someone who is willing to fight for me.23. I want to ride a motorcycle. and then I want to own a motorcycle.24. I want to join the UGA equestrian team.25. I want to go hiking.26. I want to go camping, with a tent and everything.27. I want to thank my guardian angel for protecting me all these years.28. i want to know what it is God has planned for me. There have been so many instances in which I was near death and yet He saved me. For what? I want him to show me what it is he would have me do for Him.29. I want to travel to Greece and watch the sunsets over the ocean.30. I want to travel and live in France for a few months so that I can embrace the french culture I learned to love in highschool.31. I want to try out for America's Next Top Model just for the fun of it.32. I want to dance in my car with my windows rolled down like no one is watching.33. I want the song Dream by Priscilla Ahn to be played at my wedding.34. I want to fall asleep listening to Michael Bubles voice.35. I want to lay in the middle of the pasture and just listen to all the sounds around me and pray.36. I want to go to Montana and wake up each morning to the amazing sunrises over the valley that give it life.37. I want to not be so scared to meet new people.38. I want to spend more time with my family.39. I want to spend less time sleeping.40. I want to take my dogs to the beach with me.41. I want to fall asleep outside under the stars.42. I want to make shapes out of the clouds like I used to do when I was little.43. I want to write happy entries into my journal more.44. I want to take martial arts.45. I want to take dance classes. Specifically contemporary and ballroom.46.I want to try out for American Idol for the fun of it.47. i want to read more like I used to and escape into different worlds.48. I want to be here for my friends in any way possible.49. I want to own my own photography gallery.50. I want to do art as a living.51. I want to draw more inspirational pieces.52. I want to listen to more happy music.53. I want to laugh and smile more.54. I want to sing at the top of my lungs.55. I want to go dance at a techno club.56. I want to go to six flags and ride every single rollercoaster.57. I don't want to be scared to watch scary movies.58. I want to ride more.59. I want all my hard work in school to pay off.60. I want to listen to the sound of the rain while falling asleep.61. I want to go on a mission trip outside of the country. I want to help people.62. I want to be an example for Christ.63. I want to fall asleep in a field of wild flowers.64. I want to kiss in the rain.65. I want to meet the love of my life.66. I want to know who I am.

Little Things

Wow, so much has changed just one week from now. It's like my life has just completely turned around. I went from being so unsure of things, and so frustrated to finally working my way back to being happy again. As an incredible movie, (ZombieLand) once quoted, " You gotta enjoy the little things" :)

For example... Laughing at the CVS sign that says H1N1 vaccines available, except it says HINI.. and so I chuckle at myself thinking it is telling everyone they have the butt vaccine available. lol orrr driving down 53 and seeing a giant sign in a redneck's yard that says "TREEMAN" baha. not sure what that means... Or driving in the car with my best friend Bridgitte as she slams on the gas petal on a yellow light that is clearly turning red, and holding on for my life, and screaming at the top of my lungs ha.

I went for a ride today. Brutus has been acting up lately, but I think it is because he could feel my tension. Today was soo wonderful. It was so peaceful and relaxing. For the first 30 minutes I just prayed to God. Then we had some fun and galloped up a few hills, except when I mean gallop with Brutus I mean ride a rollercoaster ha. But he was such a sweet boy today and took good care of me, and just made my day so much better. After I got done rinsing him off , I let him graze in the hay field while I layed down in the grass and just bathed in the sunlight.

On my way home, I rolled down all the windows, cranked up the music and just danced all the way home. I found that I am completely happy just lying outside listening to nature, and driving with the windows down when it is the perfect temperature outside.

There are a lot of things that are still hard for me to understand, I just keep praying to God for guidance. I am still struggling with some emotions and what to do about it, but I'm finally learning to do what is good for me. God will take care of the rest. "Even in our silence it plays back and forth again."

Embrace

It is April 6, 2010. I have been going through a lot of hard times lately. This past year has proven to be the most hard year of my life both emotionally and physically. Heartbreak has played its toll on my life, and I am determined to restore my heart as well as my life back together. I have created this blog to share my struggles and my triumphs. This blog is to help discover who I am, to find what I want and what I don't want. I have lost myself so much this past year, I don't even know who I am anymore. Everything of who I am was crushed underneath heartache, and I will no longer go day to day as its prisoner.

My current goal and quote to live by is the hardest thing I am trying to learn right now: "And you know the one thing you are trying so hard to hold on to is the one thing you have to let go."

This past year I have spent so much of my time trying so hard to help people and find out what they want that I have forgotten to focus on myself and figure out what it is that I want. I think it is finally time that I take a step back, and for once in my life do something for myself. For those of you who know me, you know that I always put everyone else before my own wants and needs, and I fight for things that I care about. I do not give up easily.

I have been putting up a long and hard fight for a long time now for someone I thought was worth fighting for. I have been trying to hold on to this person for such a long time now that all my efforts were put into how I can hold on rather than how can I let go and fight for myself. It is time I start fighting for myself. The love of my life, the one person I was fighting for the most, time and time again has shown to me that he does not want me right now. Instead of sitting in my room and crying myself to sleep as I usually do, I prayed and I prayed hard. I asked God to show me a sign, tell me what to do. I prayed for Him to show me to either let go or hold on. I prayed the Lord would give me the strength to do either. Letting go of this person I have loved so much is the hardest thing I have ever done. The thought of it was unbearable and I didn't know how I was going to be able to do it.

I wrote many letters all of which I had written to that person in hopes that they would help me not have to lose him. But as I kept writing them I realized that I have to stop trying to make things happen for myself. Worrying about it is not going to get me anywhere, and it just keeps bringing me down. So, what did I do, I looked at all the letters I had written and realized that I had never really intended to give them to him at all. I put them all under my bed, closed my eyes, cried one last time and told God, do with this as You will.

I realized that is isn't about letting go or holding on at all. It is about giving my life to God and moving forward with my life, and putting my hopes not in a person, but in God, and knowing that it isn't letting go or holding on that I am meant to do, it is moving forward knowing that if us being together is what is meant to happen, God will make it happen, but if not, God will show me the hope of what is to come and to fight for what is to come in my life, and to live my life. I shouldn't waste my time worrying about something that I truly have come to find I have no control over. I have spent so much time locked in my room and shutting myself out from my life, that I have wasted so much time of discovering myself and just having fun. After praying for God to reveal to me what it was I need to do, I found the answer I was looking for.

My older brother, who I rarely have heart to heart talks with revealed to me what he had seen in me that I couldn't see in myself. He told me I need to stop focusing on what everyone else wants and for once in my life do something for myself. He told me to make a list of everything that Kensie wanted, and do it. He said he had seen me slowly completely lose myself. He said he could see that I was falling to pieces and it was breaking the hearts of my family and the people around me. He told me I needed to find who I was, and let go of anything that was holding me back. Whatever is meant to happen, God will make it happen, but in the mean time do things that make you happy.

So that is exactly what I am going to do. I'm going to find out what I want. I'm going to find out what makes me happy. And most importantly I'm going to find out who I am and embrace it with all the fight I have left in me...